


Unfortunate Fools

by KurtPikachu2001



Category: Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:24:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurtPikachu2001/pseuds/KurtPikachu2001
Summary: Determined to make it to the Grammy Awards.   Actors and comedians Jason Sudeikis and Zach Gilifanakis were flying a private plane there until it crashes into the Upstate New York wilderness.   Trekking though the snow, tired, and lost, they make deliveries for people that unknowingly help two convicts escape from prison.





	

The Grammys inspired me to write this. Had so much fun writing Island Fortress Scientology Brigade, wanted to write another Celebrity Parody fanfic. Sadly, this will be my list and final fanfic ever. In the meantime I hope you enjoy this and my others as well. 

 

Celebrity Parody 

Fanfic Title:

Unforuntate Fools

by: Trenton Sands

 

Scene 1:

 

An private airplane flying through the air with engine trouble take a nosedive. The airplane crashed into the wilderness of Upstate New York. The pilots were dead and their bodies were burned beyond recoginition. The only survivors were two famous actors. Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanaskis. Jason and Zach crawled slowly up from the damage and they tried to figure out where they were. Before all this happened, Jason and Zach were in New York City promoting their movies The Lego Batman movie and Colassol. Snow was piled high by inches and miles. Making it nearly impossible for them to walk around. 

Jason: At least we didn't rely on commercial airlines.

Zach: Don't joke about that. It was my private airplane. Those pilots were very good friends of mine.

Jason: All right! I didn't know that. Stop being such a wuss! 

Zach: For someone who was in comedies where nothing is sacred, you sure are a butthurt in real life.

Jason: What the hell kind of pilots did you hire? (staring blankly at Zach) Oh, hell! Let's just try to figure out where we are.

Zach and Jason look around and see they're in a forest. They had no idea they were in Upstate New York.

Jason: Where do you think we are do you suppose? We're we flying over Idaho or something?

Zach: Dunno. We were on our way to the Grammys so maybe we're somewhere in Oregon.

Jason: Seems about right. Let's try to find someone here who can help us.

Zach and Jason walk around looking for help but to no avail.

Jason: This is just our luck, hey. We get VIP seats to the Grammys and your airplane crashes into the wilderness. 

Zach: Perhaps when we tell someone we're famous actors, someone is bound to help us!

Jason: Everyone loves our comedy movies that we did. So yes, think you're right. They will be happy to help us out. 

Zach: Who do you think is performing right now.

Jason: The Grammys aren't until tomorrow! Thought you knew that. 

Zach: Of course I did! You think I'm high or something?

Jason: Judging from the way you were putting away that Mary Jane I'd say you were!

Zach: Yeah, well you were smoking it too! Along with some Molly! 

Jason and Zach were walking, then yelling and their arguement comes to an aburpt end until they fell through a patch. The patch the fell through turned out to be honey. 

Zach: Now look what you did! 

Jason: Why are you blaming me for? It was your plane as I recall......

Two bears come out of nowhere and try to get Jason and Zach. They scream in tremedous fear as the bears were moving to the honey patch where they fell. 

Jason: If something doesn't happen soon, we'll never make it to the Grammys! 

Zach: Nobody knows were even here! There's not even anyone who lives here.

Jason: People live in the forest, ever heard of living off the grid?

The bears were about to attack Jason and Zach. Some blowdarts were flying into the bear's direction and the bears were knocked out but not killed. A mysterious figure helped Jason and Zach out of the honey patch. 

Figure: Follow me. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Scene 2:

 

The figure was leading Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanaskis to a wooden cabin. The figure turned out to be a tall redneck looking man. He was dressed in plaid and denim. His name was Jack. 

Zach: Thanks for getting us out of that honey patch.

Jason: You didn't tell us your name.

Jack: My name is Jack. 

Zach: Pleased to meet you. You won't believe this.

Jason: You just resuced two famous actors on their way to the Grammys.

Jack: Is that so?

Jason: I'm Jason Sudakis and this is Zach Gilifanaskis.

Jack: I know you two. You're both movie and tv stars! It's not everyday I rescue some celebrities! 

Zach: Which one of our movies did you like best?

Jack: You Jason, I really liked Semi-Pro, Horrible Bosses, The Campaign, and We're The Millers. 

Zach: That's cool. You didn't mention mine...

Jason: This is no time for an ego trip, Zach! 

Jack: No No No. I'd be happy to tell him. I liked The Hangover, Bird Man, and Dinner For Schumucks. Sometimes when I'm not being woodsman, I like to watch movies on my Netflix. You can get Netflix on an iPhone. Lowbrow comedies are my speciality. 

Jason (to Zach): There, happy. (To Jack) Can you tell us where we are?

Jack: Welcome to the forest of Upstate New York.

Zach and Jason were in shock and awe. 

Jason: Now we're really far away from the Grammys. 

Jack: I know someone who can get you there. They're on tomorrow from what I gather. 

Zach: Thank God! Yes the Grammys will be on tomorrow. Who is going to help us?

Jack: There is a man who lives in a trailer not too far from here. So all you both need to do is deliver this package to him. 

Zach and Jason were handed a yellow envelope. 

Jack: If you deliver that envelope, ask for a guy named Sport. He will help you get to the Grammys. 

Jason: We'll do it. Thanks for much for saving us. 

Jack: You might want to take a shower first before you go. Get that honey off of you.

Zach: Great idea.

Jason and Zach were both in a shower washing off the honey from the patch where they fell. Jack was watching them shower. Then Jack was snickering at what that envelope was going to lead the two actors to.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 3: 

 

Zach and Jason came out of Jack's cabin and set out to find the trailer. 

Jason: A trailer shouldn't be so hard to find. (looks in his pockets) Son of a bitch! Dammit! My iphones and devices must've blown up in the plane crash. 

Zach: Who's supposed to perform at the Grammys?

Jason: Demi Levato, Adele, The Weeknd, John Legend, Katy Perry, Jason Derulo, Beyonce, Alicia Keyes, Keith Urban, John Legend, Chance the Rapper, Jason Derulo, and Bruno Mars. 

Zach: We just can't afford to miss out on that! 

Jason: Without our devices we can't track down this trailer Jack told us about.

Zach: Hey, look! (points miles away to a trailer) Think I see it. 

Jason (sarcastically): Thanks, genius!

Zach: Why are so mean to me?

Jason: Just shut up and walk to the trailer. I just want to make it to the Grammys and I don't have time to foolish nonsense! Why couldn't this have happened to George Clooney instead? 

Zach: Yes or to Tom Hanks! Hate that SOB! An important social gathering for us celebs! They'll sever our heads if we don't make it. 

Jason: No shit there! Another penality is no one in Hollywood would hire us for movies and TV and nobody will ever see us perform again! We can't risk that! 

Zach and Jason came to the trailer and knocked. A man in his underwear, goggles, and safety helmet came out to greet them. His name was Sport. 

Sport (shaking nervously): What can I do for you? (looking around suspiciously) 

Jason: Can we come in?

Sport: Don't see why not. (still shaking from suspicion) Don't mind me! Nervous that someone might be onto me! 

Jason and Zach were invited in the trailer. It was a one room trailer or so it seemed. Sport did not recognize them as famous actors. 

Zach: We have an envelope we were sent to give you. 

Sport: Let's take a look. (takes the envelope while his hand was in a tremor)

Jason watches as Sport walks into what looked like another room with the envelope. 

Zach: Where did he go?

Jason: It seems to be a one room trailer. 

Sport came back without the envelope. Jason and Zach were explaining to him who they were.

Zach: You may or may not believe us but....

Jason: We're famous actors trying to make it to LA to the Grammys!

Sport let out a boisterious laugh. 

Zach: He didn't.....

Sport: No No No. I know someone who can take you to these (curls fingers) Grammys! 

Jason: So you'll help us?

Sport: Don't sweat it dudes! (hands Jason a package in a brown box) Just give this package to the dude in the house next to the (screaming) TWO TREES IN A VACANT GRASSY ACRE! 

Zach: ANOTHER delivery?

Jason: Shush! Don't complain! If making these deliveries to these people are going to get us to the Grammys, we need to take the risk!

Zach: Right.

Sport (screaming in paranoia): Now get the &*$% outta here! 

Jason: You're almost as much of a dumbass as the characters you play in your movies.

Zach: Shut your shithole, ass! 

Jason: Shithole! (laughs) Is that even a swear word?

Sport showed Jason and Zach out and he went back to his secret room that contained a meth lab. The contents Jason and Zach delivered to him from Jack were Sedafed.

Sport: YES! YES! YES! TIME TO START COOKING!!! WOULDN'T WANT TO MAKE A METH OF THINGS!!!! (laughs maniacally)

Jason and Zach were on their way to deliver yet another package to a house next to two tress and a vacant acre. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Scene 4:

Jason Sudeikis and Zach Galifinakis were treking through the snow covered seemingly endless forest. Trying to find the house between two trees on a grassy acre to deliver the package to. Both of them have been walking around for what it seemed like hours, and it was. It was getting dark. 

Zach: Brrr. It's freezing here. How I wish and I wouldn't do to be in Sunny Cali. We'll never find this place. We've been trying to find this house for hours now. 

Jason (sighs): You're right. We'll never make it to the Grammys in time. Say, what about you? Don't you have any tracking devices or an iPHONe on you?

Zach: No, I left it in the wreckage of the plane we were on.

Jason: So unreliable and worthless you are! 

Zach: It's not my fault!

Jason: Yes it is! If you hadn't talked me into going on your private plane with you while you were promoting your movie, we wouldn't be here! 

Zach: Thought we were friends! Ever since this happened you've been treating me like a fucking circus money! 

Jason: That's exactly what you are! Next time I get stranded with another actor, I hope it's Adam Sandler! At least he's more efficient!

Zach: I'd rather be stranded with Will Ferrell than be stuck in the middle of nowheresville than be with the likes of you, asshole!

Jason and Zach continued to argue. They were both tired and hungry. 

Zach: All right. This shit ends now. We need to work together and try to get along.

Jason: You're almost as much of a retard as that clown you play on Baskets.

Zach: At least I never made an apperance on that show Last Man on Earth! 

Jason: Let's stop now. We're both tired, hungry and delirious. No need to snap at each other. We're not used to this.

Zach: No we are not. We're used to the creature comforts of being rich and having people wait on us hand and foot. 

A person in a snowsled came up to Jason and Zach and offered them a ride. His name was Bob.

Bob: Howdy! I'm Bob. Want a ride with me?

Jason: We need to deliver this package to a house with two trees in between on a grassy acre.

Bob: That's where I live! Hop aboard!

Zach and Jason came on Bob's snowsled and were heading to the house with two tree in between. Once they finally got there, Bob provided them with a hot meal. Bob's house looked like a log cabin inside. 

Bob: Say, I know you two. You guys are actors, right?

Jason: That we are. I'm Jason Su.....

Bob: No need for introductions. I already know. Love your movies! You're both very talented. Why are you guys here?

Zach: We were both in New York City promoting movies we made. Then we got invitations to the Grammys and I told Jason to come along with me on my private airplane. Before we knew it, we crashed here.

Jason: Meet some zany characters who kept telling us that they were going to help us get to LA and they just wanted us to deliver stuff to them.

Bob: Thanks for the package, nice of you. Sure could use it. I know some people who can help you get to LA.

Zach: Please no deja vus.

Bob: I got a barrell I want you both to give to a abandoned car. 

Jason: WHAT? Oh no! MORE DELIVERIES......

Bob: It's the last one you'll do! 

Jason: Fine! Go on....

Bob: Another package and this barrell you both must give to the people who are in a car that looks abandoned. If you do, there's some nice people inside that will drive you to LA! 

Zach: This is the last and final delivery favor, right?

Bob: I promise. (takes the package) 

Jason and Zach left Bob's house. The package they gave to Bob turned out to be a camera. Bob goes into a room that looks like a movie studio. Inside there was a man and a woman dressed in their underwear. Bob was really an underground porno director. 

Bob: Been wanting this camera for a long time. All right you two! Get in the pile driver position! With this, I'm going to be the new Joe Francis! 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 5:

 

Jason and Zach carried the barrell and package. Both were wondering why they were doing so many deliveries in the forest. 

Zach: Everytime we are about to get help, we end up delivering things to these backwoods lunatics!

Jason: Wonder what for? 

Zach: We're the celebrities! People should do favors for US!

Jason: There's that ego trip again!

Zach (groans in frustrations): Yeah, well there's you being an ass and a dick! I never want to work in movies with you ever again!

Jason (cynically): Deal!

Zach and Jason reached the abandoned car. Inside were two men. They were escaped prisoners from the New York Correctional Institution. Richard Matt and David Sweat. Jason and Zach did not recognize them. 

Richard: Ahh, good! Help at last! 

David: Thanks for the goods, boys!

Jason: Look we've been stranded here for a whole fucking day. 

Zach: Our private plane crashed....

Richard: Don't bore us with you silly ass life story. 

David: Just tell us where you need to go.

Zach: LA for the Grammys!

Jason: We're famous actors you know!

David: All right, LA it is!

Richard Matt and David Sweat snickered at each other. They opened the barrel and the package. Inside the barrell was alcohol and a fresh change of clothes for the convicts. Little did Jason and Zach realize, they were making those deliveries that lead to them helping convicted prison escapees. 

Richard: Have a drink! 

David: It's on the house!

Zach: At least you offered. 

Jason: Just get us to LA in time. We need to be there tomorrow!

Richard: Leave your worries at the door.

David: We'll get you to your Grammy awards, guarnteed! 

Jason and Zach drank the alcohol which caused them to pass out. Richard Matt and David Sweat changed into their new clothes then drove out of the forest of Upstate New York ready to go to Mexico. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 6:

 

Afterwards, Richard Matt and David Sweat were driving. They were in Pennsylvania. Jason and Zach were sleeping still passed out from the alcohol they drank. 

David: Gosh, what morons they are.

Richard: We hired Bob, Jack, and Sport to find some naive dumbass fools to help us escape from prison!

David: We're not really going to LA, are we?

Richard: Of course not! We're going to Mexico like we planned!

David: What do we do with them? 

Richard: We'll reveal who we really are once they come to. 

David: We can take them to Mexico with us. 

Richard: Exactly, then we'll kill them.

David: After that, it will be margaritas and beachs for us! 

Richard Matt and David Sweat both laugh. 

David: These guys were better help than that Joyce Mitchell was, huh!

Richard: Never thought in the million years we'd get better help from these Hollywood types! 

David: That's how lucky we are! 

Nightfall had desended. Richard Matt and David Sweat were laughing until they cracked up. Jason and Zach slept some more as Richard Matt and David Sweat continued to drive cross country. They were now driving through Kentucky. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 7:

 

An NBC Nightly News Report with Lester Holt was on television as Breaking News. The report was about Zach Gilifanakis's private plane crash in the wilderness of northern New York State.

Lester: Good Evening. Thanks for joining us, tonight. I am Lester Holt. A private jet that belonged to famous comedian Zach Gilifanakis crashed into the woods of Upstate New York. The pilots are dead. On route to the impending Grammys. Rumored to be with him was Jason Sudakis. Both their whereabouts are currently unknown. 

Another Breaking News bulletin appears.

Lester: This just in, there is a cross country high speed chase. The car is in Kansas and it seems it's going to Mexico. Our NBC News Team has learned that escaped convicts Richard Matt and David Sweat are in the car. It is known that they faked their deaths. We also learned that actors Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanakis are in the car with them. Let's hope and pray they make it out alive.

A day has passed. The Grammys were going to be held tonight. In the highways of Kansas, Jason and Zach were coming to. 

Jason: Are we in LA yet?

Richard: What are you guys, little kid Asking Mommy and Daddy 'are we there yet'?

Zach: Tell us where we are.

David: We're in Kansas. Like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz.

Jason: You better get us there soon. The Grammys are tonight!

Richard: There's something you both should know.

Zach: Okay we're all ears.

David: We were the ones who crashed your airplane.

Jason: Why would you do that?

Richard: All that stuff you delivered to those people while you both were in New York? 

Zach: You mean Sport, Bob, and Jack?

David: Yes. You see, Sport was a meth dealer. You guys delivered Sudafed to him!

Jason: WHAT?! (popped a blood vessel in his eye)

Zach and Jason couldn't believe what they just heard. 

Richard: That's right! That guy you gave the camera to, Bob! He's an underground porno producer.

Zach (spits out water): Think I'm going to puke! 

David: And last but not least, that was bootleg beer you guys gave us. You see, we're not really nice people who do favors for celebrities!

Jason (shocked): Then, who are you sick people making us do shit like this?

Richard: I'm Richard Matt!

David: I'm David Sweat! We both broke out of prison. We needed some dumbass losers to smuggle things for us to help us escape! 

Jason: You mean, we're unwitting mules? 

Richard: That's correct. You guys just aided and abetted our escape! 

David and Richard laugh as Jason and Zach were saddened by how they were both fooled.   
The chase goes on as they were entering Oklahoma. Suddenly Zach remembered something he long forgotten that was in his pocket. Zach struggled to be discreat about it. 

Zach (whispers to Jason): Just remembered, I have a text messenger! 

Jason (whisper shouts in horror): WHAT? You had communication all along?

Zach (whispers to Jason): I forgot I had it. Was just in complete shock over what's been happening!

Jason (whispers to Zach): Call the authories on that thing! Why didn't you know, we could've avoided this whole fucking thing!

Richard (pulls out a gun): What are you two asshole clowns up to?

Zach (texting the police): Don't mind us, playing Candy Crush here!

Jason: You guys had GUNS!?

David (points his gun): We had the gun hidden in the car while we were hiding! You both better not pull any monkey business on us!

Zach: We won't. (finished texting) 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 8:

 

Richard Matt and David Sweat were driving in Oklahoma. Thanks to Zach texting the authorities, the police were on their tail. 

David: Shit! Someone pulled a fast one on us! 

Richard: Wonder who it was? Now we're being chased by cops! 

Jason: Looks like you're not taking us to LA are you?

Zach: You're kidnapping us! 

Richard: You see, we couldn't go and deliver that stuff ourselves. We had to be in hiding.

Jason: Heard about you guys on the news. Thought you two had died.

David: After we made Joyce Mitchell take the fall for us. We faked our deaths and we were hiding in the woods until you two showed up. You had no idea how long us hiding (yells out) DROVE US INSANE!!!! 

Zach: Why don't you tell us what you're going to do to us?

Richard: You guys are taking the fall for us! While we run away with our hands clean. 

Jason: How dare you take advantage of us!

Richard: You were the ones who delivered all that illegal stuff.....it's your own fault.

David: While we live it up in Mexico, you two are going to prison. Nobody is ever going to see you in movies anymore!

Richard: Don't let that bother you dudes! You'll regain your popularity with your fellow inmates when you're forced to have sex with them! 

Jason (crying): How could we have been so fucking stupid! 

Zach (crying): Is that what you guys do? Let other people take the rap?

Richard: Bob, Jack, and Sport were godsends. They let us hide in the wilderness. Of course they needed stuff and WE certainly couldn't deliver stuff for them.

David: Don't worry, man! Like we said before. You both will be popular in prison! IF you know what we mean! (looks at a road sign): We're going to Texas! Hang on!

Richard Matt and David Sweat drove into the Oklahoma/Texas Border. On their way to the Texas/Mexico Border.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Scene 9 Conclusion:

 

Hours have passed just minutes away from the Grammys. Overtime, Richard Matt and David Sweat had finally reached the Texas/Mexico border. The police and border patrol set up a roadblock to try to stop them. Richard Matt and David Sweat were armed with guns. They took Jason and Zach out of their car and held them hostage.

Policeman (shouting): Surrender at once! 

Policeman #2: You're both under arrest!

Richard: Hey, officers! Let's strike a deal.

David: Let us go, and let these two goons go to prison! They helped us!

Jason: Listen to us, officers!

Zach: We did not know we were helping these criminals! 

Border Patrol Agent: We don't believe it! You fooled two famous celebrities to do your bidding! 

Border Patrol Agent #2: They're innocent you two are going down.

Richard Matt and David Sweat drag Jason and Zach and try to get them into the border.

David: Maybe we'll take them with us! 

Richard: If you don't let us go into Mexico, they get it! We'll blow their fucking brains out!

A huge standoff ensues. Police and Border Patrol everywhere. All the news channels were reporting. Spectators were watching as well. 

Policeman #3: Jason and Zach, try to stay clam! Criminals sense fear! The more you get scared, the more they will terrorize you! 

Border Patrol Agent #3: We'll think of something. We're highly trained for these situations! 

Zach and Jason were paralyzed with truama. They didn't even know what was happening anymore. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a helicopter was flying. Two bullets from a gun shot from the helocopter and shot and killed Richard Matt and David Sweat. The standoff was over. Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanakis were free. 

Policeman #4 (telling the spectators): All right! Go home now people! Nothing to see here! 

Border Patrol Agent #4: Yes go home! So you all can brag about what you just witnessed on your Facebook pages and tweet about it.

The helicopter landed next to Jason and Zach and a hand from the helocopter carried them in and flew away.

Policeman: Who do you think it was?

Border Patrol Agent: Guess we'll never know.

Policeman: Want to go get some donughts?

Border Patrol Agent: It's on me!

Inside the helicopter was Steve Harvey and Jason Derulo. 

Jason: Thanks man, you saved our lives!

Steve (explaining): We saw you guys on the news. Then we decided we had to do something. 

Zach: Going to take us to the Grammys, finally?

Jason D: Absolutely dawgs! 

Jason: We owe you a debt of gratitude. 

Steve (to the helocopter pilot): Take us to LA! (To Jason and Zach) This is going to look good for me. Once the media hears about this, they'll let me host more Mrs. Universe pagents!

Zach: We can finally put this behind us. 

Jason D: I was the one who shot those fools, man! I grew up in the 'hood, dawg! Good thing I know how to use a gun! 

Steve: Nobody will ever make fun of me again for mispelling Columbia and Philipines! 

Zach and Jason laughed. 

Jason: We don't hold that against you!

Zach: That was offensive how they slammed and shamed you like that.

Steve: It was social media that did that! They bitch slap you! 

Jason D: Hey son! You know I'm performing at the Grammys too, right?

Zach (stuttering): No.....uh.....uhhhh...

Jason: Yes we knew!

Jason D: For all what you been through I got a surprise for both of you! 

Zach: What's the surprise?

Jason Derulo gave them both a CD.

Jason: It's a CD from you. This could be downloded on Pandora. 

Zach: Thanks for this. But what is the music on the CD?

Jason D: It's my CD with my new hit single.

Steve: Tell 'em Jason my man!

Jason D: My new hit single is SWALLA! 

Zach: I heard of that! Great and excellent song!

Jason: You did that with Nicki Minaj didn't you!

Jason D: As a favor to you both, when I go on stage at the Grammys you two can be my backup vocals!

Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanikis gladly accepted the offer.

Steve: Feels good just saying that! SWALLA!

Jason D: SWALLA!

The helicopter flies off into the sunset and heads to LA for the Grrammys. Jason Sudakis and Zach Gilifanakis finally made it to the Grammys and were completely off the hook for unwittingly helping Richard Matt and David Sweat out of prison. The whole ordeal was finally left behind.

 

THE END


End file.
